One Red Hot Country Mama!

I wrote this post a few years ago… and I this theme still repeatedly comes into my life. Many of my friends are now married, or want to be married… but I am still not sure about the idea. It seems like the modern marriage is what you make it and having someone around for the long-term and adopting them as family seems great… but I have seen so few marriages that I know that work well in practice. I think I am more open to the idea than I was when I wrote this though – since after living alone for almost two years – I realized… living on your own doesn’t make sense either!

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Marriage Doesn’t Make Sense

"Forget about the dog, beware of my wife!"

I saw this on a pick-up truck the other day.

"Wow – who would want to marry this jerk," I think.

"Well, maybe they have a laughing relationship, where they good-naturedly joke about these things"… joke about her being worse than a dog.

It makes me wonder – does marriage make sense anymore, given the way that the rest of the world has changed? Women can support themselves. Families are smaller. Loyalty and commitment are traded for individual well-being. Someone who worked at the same company for 25 years used to be celebrated. Today, it seems more like they were not brave or capable or they lacked other opportunities.

When people get married they stop being sexual beings. "Now I have to only make love to the contractually obligated person." was how my best married-friend described it. Something about that predictability and obligation makes each person less alive and vibrant. Some stop caring about how they look. Others stop living in the present and taking risks and lead an increasingly conservative life.

Married people move to the suburbs – suddenly they don’t seem to be living life to the fullest. I always thought that their priorities were simply changing – away from living their lives for themselves and creating their own destiny – and moving towards taking care of children and carrying the responsibility of land-ownership. I figured that there was a whole new fulfillment there.

It seems that the new fulfillment is just a myth. As I have been working in the suburbs for five years (commuting out from the city) I have been surprised to find that many married people are still vibrant inside and long for something else. They are good, nice, kind-hearted people – doing exactly what their parents would be proud of them for – but they are profoundly affected by the constraints of marriage.

A fundamental part of being a man is that when a beautiful woman passes, he turns his head. He wants to talk to her, look at her more closely, and touch her. I am a young, professional woman on the trade-show circuit – no matter what your looks are like, in this situation you get approached by married men. Of course I say "no" and feel embarrassed even if I really want to be with him. Situations like this make men bring their passions underground, with affairs, prostitutes and for the more decent ones, pornography.

A fundamental part of being a woman is that she wants to be noticed and appreciated. One of the most beautiful married women I know, doesn’t get noticed by her husband much less fully appreciated. Men send her drinks regularly, even across an NHL hockey arena once, but she has to instead go home and be ignored. Many talk about their love-affairs with their husbands as something in the past, rather than something they feel every single day. Others just totally let themselves go and all they have as proof that they were once beautiful is a smiling, well-polished wedding-day picture of themselves on their desks.

One reason many people get married is because it is much easier to raise kids together than alone. They talk about great benefits for kids who grow up in a two-parent homes with two people who love them, two income earners, two decision makers and two role-models.* This is a very natural and noble reason – but is it possible to really give up on your own needs altogether and be entirely fulfilled living only for someone else? Also – after kids have grown many marriages stay together. We celebrate 25 and 50 year anniversaries, but is it really an achievement? Isn’t it insulting that we have to congratulate couples on staying together because it is such a chore?

It is sad, that for many many people getting married is an end of something. Even the "good guys" sit on the couch and watch young, sexy women on TV all night. Even the "good girls" crowd around the single girl’s desk on Monday morning vicariously living through her weekend as she tells it.

So… if it makes people unhappy, why don’t we find another way? We all know that half of marriages end in divorce. Why do we insist on getting married just because that is what couples are supposed to do? Some people might have no confidence and think they can’t do any better. That is simply a sad case. What about the rest of us? Why don’t we let ourselves fall in and out of love naturally, and build our institutions around it, instead of sticking to something outdated?

It is difficult to find a substitute for marriage that still makes everyone comfortable and avoids pitfalls like jealousy and still does the right thing for children. It has perhaps remained an institution because people simply can’t think of a smarter way. Some say that serial-monogamy is the answer. Hopefully… one day we will find a better arrangement that fits today’s world. Marriage doesn’t make sense anymore. Maybe we should be the generation who finds something to replace it.

*There are many effective single parents in the world who have kids who grow up to be amazing (I say this as a child of a single mom.). This is just stating reasons why people get married. I am not at all insulting people who raise their children alone.

My friend calls Valentines Day "Singles Awareness Day" – since those of us that are single feel like there are neon flashing arrows pointing at us, while everyone else is getting flowers delivered to them and eating romantic dinners. It is funny how the days that celebrate a specific thing (eg. romantic love between a couple) work to highlight those people that don’t have those things.

Take "Families without Fathers Awareness Day" for example. Growing up without a Dad (he died when I was 6) meant a bit of awkwardness when it came to those little crafts (such as puzzles and pencil holders) we made in Elementary Art class for Father’s Day. The teacher would quietly pull me aside and ask me what I wanted to do. Instead, I made my craft for my teenage brother, with cool results that I loved; while other kids decorated their crafts with lawnmowers and ties, I decorated mine with electric guitars and sports cars.

Another day that we celebrate is "Families Living in Separate Provinces to their Mums Awareness Day". Our family is spread thinly across the country, with two of us on each coast, me in the middle in Toronto and another up North. So -on Mother’s day, my Mum was feeling a bit upset because she saw other Mums she knew getting celebrated and going out to special brunches. From the relieved  burst of laughter that I heard when I explained the "Families Living in Separate Provinces…" she seemed happy that there was a different way to think about it.

So… today is "Singles Awareness Day" and I know it is nothing that is too serious. After all, the day is just an excuse for shops to change their displays and for Hallmark to sell more cards. Tonight I am going to a nice restaurant with a good friend and have bought her a great card. So – I guess I am supporting the Valentines Industry machine, but it is still giving me an excuse to spend more time with my friend so we can show how much we care about each other. So – on days like this I guess I can remember both what I don’t have, and what I have.

snow fort by moon light
Originally uploaded by gunshot iguana.

I was talking to my 7-year-old niece the other day about what the kids are now-a-days doing for fun on the playground in the winter. After talking about sliding and throwing snow, we got to one of my favorites – the snow castle. NB for those who live in warmer places – this is a big structure created by kids, where they take snow that is usually piled up by a plow cleaning up the street or the schoolyard and create it into a fort.

I asked my niece about her experience with the snow fort, but she said she stays away from it. "Usually there is a boy there who bosses everyone around. It is always a Grade 3" she said with downcast eyes (she is in Grade 1). Then I remembered, that yes, usually there was a kid who would try to be "King of the Castle" who would stand on or near the top of the fort and boss everyone else around, ruining all of the sculpting and creative architecture that can take place, and turning people into his little slaves.

I almost blurted out "that is why your Aunt isn’t married, because she hates Kings of the Castle – she wants to do her own thing". But I resisted since I don’t want to sound jaded in front of my special little niece… although the thought crossed my mind over and over again. Author Ann Lamott expresses her dislike of being bossed by a man that she is living with beautifully and I will paraphrase: "I don’t want big foot stomping around with the TV blaring asking me what time dinner will be on the table". It is the same way that I feel. I lived with that dominating man in my mid-twenties and although I don’t relish living alone, I will never go back to a life like that.

Kings of the Castle are not only in domestic life, but they are also in the work place. They are the ones that sap all of the spirit out of projects, and choose a domination role instead of a leadership one.  It is the man who will take over the more fun strategic and visible parts of the project, and order everyone else to do their parts to his exact instructions as if they were machines… instead of allowing everyone to contribute in their own unique way and only giving them visibility if something goes wrong. It is the woman (a Queen of the Castle which is in my experience a rarer occurance than a King) who will refuse to let there be any debate or discussion, and will force her opinion on everyone, even if it is not the best course of action or it doesn’t even make sense.

So – in the school yard, I am sure there are kids who will be engineers and architects, and who can envision incredible new ways to build the castles. There are also kids who are artists, and can think of neat ways to decorate the castle with sculptures or designs. There are also natural leaders (instead of dominators) who could bring out the best in people. But somehow, the King of the Castle is on top so no one can show their true talent. Yes, there are ways to dispose of the King, but rarely does it happen. Instead most people just do what my niece does – play somewhere else.

Since in the work place that is usually not an option, most people just check out emotionally and psychologically, becoming the King’s drones instead of contributing to their highest extent. How can we get around the King without becoming a drone? I want to know too. I will do some research and some living and write it in a later post… once I figure it out.

We have all been there. It is New Years Eve at a party or club and everyone is counting down in those loud drunk voices. The anticipation builds and kissing partners draw tighter together as we get closer and closer to "one". Then someone calls out "no – it’s the wrong time". The person’s watch that we were counting down to is not the exact time – so we start the countdown again a few minutes later. But wait a second… we were ready to celebrate two minutes ago – but now you are telling us that it is not the exciting minute yet? It makes me think that this whole New Years thing is not what it purports to be – it is a sham.

There are a number of people in my life, both friends and family, who are quite happy to kiss 2006 goodbye. New Years will be like cleaning the slate and preparing for something fresh, different, and hopefully better. For them, 2006 has played out like a season of Desperate Housewives: deaths, marriage issues, career problems etc. One friend is burning his day timer from 2006. Another friend and I are going to a spa tonight, to relax away the worries of the year with a massage and a manicure. Then there are the resolutions… to lose weight, to get in shape, to start a book and to go in a new career direction..,..

But – these numbered celebrations don’t really make sense. Why does it matter that we are no longer typing a "6" after the "200" and when we float over our computer calendars on our toolbar it says "2007"? Why are we so excited about it? We could declare New Years at any midnight of the year that if we wanted – and clear the slate for something new. Instead of waiting for the "New Year’s Number" to come up, we could do it after actual events in our lives, happy ones and sad ones, and declare a personal New Years to start fresh. In fact, we don’t even have to wait until midnight… we could create a personal New Years every hour or minute or even every second.

Yes, I know… there is some momentum created around millions of people celebrating the New Year at the same time. Even then, it is all in our respective time zones anyway. I guess the momentum for me is only in the EST including fellow Torontonians, New Yorkers, Miami residents. By the time we get the momentum from the San Franciscans and Vancouverites – we have already gone home and the hangovers have begun – sorry guys. Like in the elections, we have lost interest by the time the West Coast is ready to contribute.

The idea is that all of these number celebrations are arbitrary – including birthdays. We assign certain meaning to certain ages, but what does it matter? We are only celebrating those years in the calendar that is generally accepted in our culture anyway. We are also attributing roles and responsibilities for those ages based on our personal scripts.

So happy December 31, 11:59:59… if that matters to you. If not – I hope you have many great personal New Years in 2007.

There are over 100,000 blogs created every day according to Technocrati. Wow… that is a lot of new voices instantly communicating to the world – one thing they could be communicating is corporate secrets. A consultancy called "The Attention Company" discussed what that means from a business perspective in their presentation Out There.

In their survey, 8% of people thought it was appropriate to share trade secrets through a blog and 39% thought it was appropriate to share opinions about the performance of the company. It is obvious that this information could affect both competitive positioning and share price.

Blogs are a modern-day medium for secrets – bringing the water-cooler gossip to the world, instantly. The internet allows people to share their stories openly, without the permission of an authority. The conservative PR department, which in my experience sits right next to the legal department, no longer controls the way that employees represent the company to the world.

According to The Attention Company, people who are “Out There”, meaning those who consider it okay to criticize their organization online, have very unique opinions about competition and their organizational lives. They think that knowledge resides at the bottom of the organization, endorse transparency and are not trusting of those that keep secrets.

These people sound a lot like the traditional non-conformists who want to have a voice and don’t want to be tied down by rules. We have all heard stories of employees who were fired for having a blog but with 100,000 being created a day, it seems impossible to keep the “out there” people at bay. Like any “vice squad” trying to rid an area of crime knows, once you bust one criminal, another appears to pick up where he left off.  The presentation concludes that companies should accept the new reality and use the “Out There” people to drive internal innovation and communication. In other words, you are being watched so you better behave!

Outside the business realm, what does it mean to have no more secrets?  We all have family or personal secrets that could get us in trouble. This makes me think of the Girl with a One Track Mind. A British woman, who once worked on the set of Harry Potter, published her sex life online to later have her identity revealed by mistake. Her blog discussed having multiple partners with intimate details.

Because of the social stigma associated with women enjoying the sexuality, she was afraid that she would be treated like an outcast. But she wasn’t – in fact many of her friends and family members supported her. So, it is possible that revealed secrets about who you really are can lead to greater acceptance and more connection with the people that you care about. It will be interesting to see how a world with fewer secrets will look. But as an “Out There” person myself who “doesn’t trust those who keep secrets”, I am looking forward to it.