One Red Hot Country Mama!

Regular readers of this blog know that I have been on a personal journey of sorts in the past few years to be more genuine. "To Thine Own Self Be True", a line by Shakespeare has been the theme of my whole life for the past few years, as I have been (trying to) journey from being what I thought others wanted me to be to being who I really am. So – part of that has been starting my own business and running it the way that I want. Another part has been re-connecting with art, writing, feminism, and secular spirituality. I have been holding closer to the friends that help me be true to myself, and letting go of the ones that don’t. I have been taking better care of my health. Finally, I have been working on my own blog and writing that have been about topics that I am interested in even if they don’t really match each other.

So – for God’s sake, isn’t this enough? But I was speaking to someone from my creative writing group last night about how I sometimes reach out of who I really am when I am writing in order not to appear to emotional or sentimental… but a criticism of when I write like that is that I appear too cold and distant. So – in crouching down and trying to appear to be something I am not – I am actually making things worse, not better.

It made me think about people who are not being who they really are because they are stuck in a certain role or feel that they can’t show who they really are. Each person has a beautiful and unique message to send to the world, but I think so many times we just crouch down instead of standing up and shining. If there was more of that, things would sure be much more interesting.

I was recently in a very embarrassing situation which totally threw me off. I couldn’t help replaying and replaying the incident in my mind – it was the worst! Embarrassment is one of the most difficult emotions to overcome – when I get embarrassed it sticks all over me like some disgusting ooze… and the only thing that cures it is time. Sometimes lots of time.

I remember one of my very well-spoken and confident friends from University saying that sometimes a wave of embarrassment would pass over him after while driving, and he would hold onto the steering wheel so tight until his knuckles turned while and it passed. I couldn’t believe even HE could be embarrassed – since he was so cavalier about things… but it seems like everyone has an area of their lives where embarrassment strikes.

To help cure me of my situation, I turned to the Internet… and found that admitting that you are embarrassed is one of the best ways to diffuse the situation for everyone. In: Caught With Your Pants Down? The Psychology of Embarrassment it says:

And, if there’s any doubt that 99.9% of embarrassment is in your own mind, consider the example of British actor Richard Harris who sang the role of King Arthur in Camelot twice a day for seven months. One evening, Harris forgot the words to a song. He stopped in mid-stride, halted the orchestra and went to the edge of the stage where he said in his lilting British accent: "Four hundred and twenty eight performances, and I have forgotten the lyrics! Would you believe it?"

Because people feel sympathetic towards others caught in the throes of embarrassment, Harris received a standing ovation. Somebody then cued him on the words, the orchestra started again and he finished the musical in high style and grace.

"Research shows that people who are embarrassed, and simply admit to it and then stalwartly carry on, are tremendously well liked," Dr. Gross says. It seems to make them more human. "When you admit to embarrassment, you show the incident is not shameful. Nor does it show any defect in your character. "It only shows the embarrassing incident was nothing more than a brief lapse," he says.

Wow – so I guess I will stop being so embarrassed about being embarrassed.

This expression just doesn’t make sense to me. Yes, bad experiences CAN make you stronger, but they can also make you weaker – it all depends on your reaction to it. For example, no one could say that having a traumatic childhood makes someone stronger. In fact, usually the opposite is true. Some people can become stronger from it, and can break the cycle, but that is not typical.

I think that "whatever doesn’t kill you" gives you an opportunity to grow personally, but you can also choose not to grow – you can choose to stay the same. Or… you can be not strong enough or aware enough to grow. So – I find this expression pretty useless, especially for people that are going through difficult times. It isn’t helpful. Sometimes people just want to put a happy face on things, which I get, but for me it is better to live in truth.

Here are some possible rewrites:

• Whatever doesn’t kill me gives me the chance to get stronger
• Wouldn’t it be great if this thing that feels like hell but isn’t killing me could make me stronger?
• This thing that isn’t killing me could be the next train to self-improvement, but maybe I will wait for the next train.

I went to a Negotiation Course at York University‘s Schulich School of Business for a couple of days sponsored by my biggest contract – I negotiate on behalf of them with various independent contractors and agencies. It was a very good opportunity to hear about different negotiating strategies and tactics, and the instructor Dr. David Whitehead was very good. 

York is a commuter school in the North end of Toronto. The parking and layout of the buildings are frustratingly Kafkaesque, but once you get there, it is rather beautiful even though it is cold and awful out. The class was filled with a variety of business people, mostly men in their 30s and 40s and most of them in Purchasing or Sales from what I gathered through their personal style our lunch break chats. 

At one point in the course we were asked to examine what our natural style of negotiation was: dominating, collaborative, obliging or avoiding. I found that mine tends to be collaborative and obliging which is fine for some situations but not for others. For example, if there is a direct conflict of interest (eg. an argument over price) this style does not work.  Also, the more dominant technique does not work when people have a common interest, because if you are very dominating, you might not be able to uncover your common ground.

So – like many situations, the key is to analyze the situation, then respond in a way that is appropriate. It is the quick analysis (the space between action and reaction) that cues you not to react in the automatic or natural way, but act in a strategic one instead.

We did a number of different simulations during the course. In one at the end, we were to simulate a cross-cultural negotiation, where my opposing team was asked to act very aggressive (Western-style) and informal and my team asked to act politely and formal (Asian-style). During the time that we played those roles, we got absolutely nothing resolved – so it was obvious how challenging it is for people to negotiate when there are true cultural differences.

Classes like that (and being crestfallen back at work) make me wish I could be a student forever!

Airplanes are Scary
Originally uploaded by ignomic.

I read today that airplanes do not stay on track for their entire flight. Instead they spend most of their time completely off track, and rely on their instruments to give them constant feedback as to their position in the sky. The pilots then adjust accordingly… but to be perfect about following the path is impossible.

This is a good analogy to life and the continual striving from being where you are right now, to being where you want to be. The feedback instruments are advice from friends and family, successes and failures, your insights and your instincts.

I was having a drink with a man the other night and we decided that we wanted to do away with the regular small talk and ask each other something original. I decided on "do you have a pet?" (yes, it doesn’t sound that cool written down, but it is hard to be cool in these situations). It turned out that his profession was rescuing animals from precarious situations across the city of Toronto – usually cats and dogs but sometimes tropicals or lost indigenous Canadian creatures. Why did I choose to ask this man about pets? Because this type of premonition has happened to me before, I think that it has something to do with meeting thousands of people in my life, and now I can see patterns.

So, that instinctual feedback is a good thing. I also like the premise that planes approximate a perfect course, rather than achieving it. I remember sitting through Physics class in my Undergrad, measuring ground speed, angles and other attributes associated with flight for exams and papers while feeling some doubt. Of course it is unrealistic to think that messy life , even in the hands of professionals, can be as perfect as a mathematical equation. My calculations were only producing approximations.

When it comes to personal development and occasionally going off track, that too is a good learning from airplanes. Because despite the messiness… most planes actually safely reach their destinations. So – it is true that the fulfillment of a vision frequently isn’t as perfect as you want it to be, and the path is messy, but getting to that vision is the point of the whole thing.

Thanks to Stephen and Steven for these ideas.