Thriving Office contains two 39-minute tracks: “Busy” and “Very Busy”. Both are filled with the sounds of voices, phones, computers, drawers and more.

You can hear samples on the site – interesting idea .

]]> http://ch.aoti.ca/2007/06/thriving-office-making-a-small-business-look-big/feed/ 0 http://ch.aoti.ca/2007/05/flaming-e-mails/ http://ch.aoti.ca/2007/05/flaming-e-mails/#comments Wed, 30 May 2007 14:44:29 +0000 Stefanie http://ch.aoti.ca/?p=117 I used to work in a place with Lotus Notes, which let us attach little themes to our e-mails – like a thumbs up, confidential, stuff like that. One theme was an envelope with a flame on it. When those were sent, it almost never involved an important business issue. No, those were communicated in person or through a formal e-mail from upper management. A flaming e-mail was always one person with an axe to grind with another, usually about a very petty issue. The angry invectives would then go back and forth until someone stepped in or there was a direct conflict.

I have never seen an angry e-mail exchange result in a greater understanding to between the two parties. I have never seen it become a foundation for compromise.

Instead, it is a relationship ruiner. If you really hate someone, and you want to wreck a current and future relationship with them, get in an e-mail flame-war with them. It works, guaranteed.

I got one of these the other day, and I responded with:

"It seems that we have a disconnect here that can only be dealt with in person. Please call me."

I then left a message with them saying the same thing. Yeah, we are busy. We are tired. But, e-mail is a problematic communcation method in conflict because it is unidirectional (you can’t sense the other person’s responses like you would in person), difficult to determine tone (someone could look angry therefore scary when they are really just upset therefore vulnerable) and they can be written on a whim (there is no wimping out on the way to someone’s office and no throwing out the envelope before it goes in the mail). So – I think it is best just to take the old-fashioned direct route when it comes to conflict… and talk.

I remember one of the most successful Account Reps I worked with, said that 10-15 years ago she used to wear suits on her sales calls every day. She called mostly on designers and other creative people. One day, she was in the elevator and was getting off at one of her clients, and a man said "you are getting off at the wrong floor, you want to go to the bank". After that, she realized that no one was wearing suits anymore at her clients, so she stopped as well.

But, somehow, some people are reading and watching Donald Trump, and thinking that is "real business". In his industry, in Manhattan, his style and stance likely proves effective. I know someone who worked in Real Estate Development in New York and it is the type of atmosphere where that aggressiveness works… and everyone is wearing suits. But, I find that Donald Trump’s influence has expanded beyond that, influencing people to act in ways that might not be helpful to them.

For example, one tech head-office team from the West Coast I worked with looked more like a touring rock-group than they did executives. They had printed t-shirts, piercings, faux-hawks, the whole deal. They were casual… so acting like Donald Trump with them and wearing a suit would insight laughter, not results. Another executive, who was a bit of a mentor to me, was a woman in her 50s who wore absolutely no make-up, let her natural gray hair show and always dressed comfortably. She was very calm and peaceful but did not suffer fools gladly, and would argue vigorously against something if it didn’t make sense. She respected logic and forward-thinking – acting aggressive, over-confident, and being cut-throat would not be effective with her either.

I think being a good business person has a lot to do with understanding the atmosphere that you are in and adapting to it. It takes one style to bring out the best ideas and performance out of creative people. It takes quite another to negotiate the best deal. And another entirely to effectively manage a non-profit volunteer group. But – somehow this new guard of business people seem to think that all it takes is a suit and swaggering over-confidence. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t. A suit doesn’t suit every occasion.

My sister-in-law, who is a physician, had the same problem when she started interning – the nurses assumed she was a nurse too, and there was a very awkward moment when she was asked to change bedpans! My brother, who is also a physician, never had an issue. Of course, my sister-in-law and I set them straight, but if you think that the old-fashioned attitudes are gone – think again!

The opposite is also true. I worked with a man who owned a PR company, which he started in his early-20s. He said the secret to starting his business young was that he started balding when he was 22, so people thought he was older and more trustworthy at an early age. I guess I never had the ‘luxury’ of balding .

This weekend something else strange happened. During Easter, people kept asking me about my son – how old he was, what grade etc. My son? I don’t have a son! Then I figured it out – my 5-year-old nephew and I are very close, we kept playing together and he kept coming to me and there is a pretty strong family resemblance – so from that they assumed he was mine. Again, I set them straight – but it surprised me that people thought I was a Mom when I think of myself as a single-urban-career-chick ready for the next adventure.

So – maybe this isn’t all that revelatory, but I tend to think of the world on a pretty equal basis. Meaning, you are your ideas, your words, your warmth, your experiences… not your looks, your race, your age, your gender or your act. I remember my Psychology 101 professor saying he perceived people as "floating brains", culling away all outside appearances and seeing people for what they are. But, I see most people don’t think that way. Actually, some people laugh their heads off when I explain the "floating brains" thing. It’s too bad because I think it is a pretty good ideal to strive for.

Here is the scoop. I was at my desk writing an e-mail, when a woman I work with came to me with a question on a new policy. She did not like the answer, and went on to raise her voice, make her face turn read, talk in cognitive distortions (saying things like "millions" and "all the time"), threaten me and put me down. I felt a bit irritated at first, but once she started raising her voice, I calmly said "I am not comfortable with how heated this discussion is". She then did calm down, and we discussed it a bit, and we came to an agreement.

When I thought of it, I have had no one yell at me like that in my professional life, for at least three years, so of course I was a bit thrown off. Twenty minutes later, I noticed that she was not at her desk, and was concerned. I walked around the office until I found her, speaking to my main contact at this client saying "she.. she… she…" As I popped around the corner, they were both very caught off guard… I had just caught them talking about me – they admitted it immediately. 

I said "let’s all talk about this" in a direct way and after about 45 minutes it was resolved. I know that this is very bold of me, given that these are clients and it is usually better not to rock the boat. Usually I have "don’t rock the boat" pasted on my forehead. However, I know that nothing dissolves a team quicker than when there is that kind of negative talk. Everything I have ever read on teamwork encourages dealing direct with people, then escalating if that does not work. When that escalation occurs, it is best to have a mediation, where all sides are present. So – yesterday I took a risk and faced it head-on, because I knew it would be better in the long-run. 

This problem, of talking behind backs, is unfortunately a woman’s problem. I hate to admit it, but it has only been on female teams where it has been an issue… but oh what an issue it can be. I’ve seen it all – tears, quittings, sabotage, firings… and hours and hours of ruminating discussions. Usually it involves something extremely petty and something that involves control. I will not hypothesize on why this happens since I don’t have the qualifications, but I think that if women are going to get stronger in the world, we have to stop wasting our time, talking about each other behind each others backs and feeling the concomitant stress… and we have to start working with each other in a direct, constructive way (even if it means taking some risks, and popping around some corners).

I was talking to my 7-year-old niece the other day about what the kids are now-a-days doing for fun on the playground in the winter. After talking about sliding and throwing snow, we got to one of my favorites – the snow castle. NB for those who live in warmer places – this is a big structure created by kids, where they take snow that is usually piled up by a plow cleaning up the street or the schoolyard and create it into a fort.

I asked my niece about her experience with the snow fort, but she said she stays away from it. "Usually there is a boy there who bosses everyone around. It is always a Grade 3" she said with downcast eyes (she is in Grade 1). Then I remembered, that yes, usually there was a kid who would try to be "King of the Castle" who would stand on or near the top of the fort and boss everyone else around, ruining all of the sculpting and creative architecture that can take place, and turning people into his little slaves.

I almost blurted out "that is why your Aunt isn’t married, because she hates Kings of the Castle – she wants to do her own thing". But I resisted since I don’t want to sound jaded in front of my special little niece… although the thought crossed my mind over and over again. Author Ann Lamott expresses her dislike of being bossed by a man that she is living with beautifully and I will paraphrase: "I don’t want big foot stomping around with the TV blaring asking me what time dinner will be on the table". It is the same way that I feel. I lived with that dominating man in my mid-twenties and although I don’t relish living alone, I will never go back to a life like that.

Kings of the Castle are not only in domestic life, but they are also in the work place. They are the ones that sap all of the spirit out of projects, and choose a domination role instead of a leadership one.  It is the man who will take over the more fun strategic and visible parts of the project, and order everyone else to do their parts to his exact instructions as if they were machines… instead of allowing everyone to contribute in their own unique way and only giving them visibility if something goes wrong. It is the woman (a Queen of the Castle which is in my experience a rarer occurance than a King) who will refuse to let there be any debate or discussion, and will force her opinion on everyone, even if it is not the best course of action or it doesn’t even make sense.

So – in the school yard, I am sure there are kids who will be engineers and architects, and who can envision incredible new ways to build the castles. There are also kids who are artists, and can think of neat ways to decorate the castle with sculptures or designs. There are also natural leaders (instead of dominators) who could bring out the best in people. But somehow, the King of the Castle is on top so no one can show their true talent. Yes, there are ways to dispose of the King, but rarely does it happen. Instead most people just do what my niece does – play somewhere else.

Since in the work place that is usually not an option, most people just check out emotionally and psychologically, becoming the King’s drones instead of contributing to their highest extent. How can we get around the King without becoming a drone? I want to know too. I will do some research and some living and write it in a later post… once I figure it out.