I feel excited, but scared at the same time. I feel like things are changing. Like I am moving on to a new part of life. I’ve never enjoyed the expression “it changed my life”. Because to me, change isn’t always for the better. But in this case, I think it is. I feel like I got into a rut 7-8 years ago, and have spent the last 3 getting out of it.

Anyway reader, if you are still out there, thank you for coming out to play, and I hope to be here again soon.

Last night we went on a walk together, to see the lake steaming and the snow steaming. It was about 10 degrees celcius out, and it was beautiful. It looked all mysterious and full of magic. We looked up and saw a full starry sky – much more brilliant than the usual for the city. We were out with our camera, and saw a few other couples doing the same, but mostly it was deserted.

I wondered – where the heck are all the people? This beauty should not be part of a secret night. People should be out enjoying it too. Yeah, I realize that this sounds no fun and good for you, but it is just such a loss. I remember around the time Nintendo came out, the first really fun game console (I think those who have played Atari and Intellivision agree that it was not nearly as fun) – that was when the kids on my street stopped playing outside.

Have the rest of us done the same? Are we not playing outside anymore? Are we too busy with our glowing screens to see the world outside? I hope not!

I have been a little off lately, and I think that the thing that has upset the applecart, is the fact that I feel like people are misjudging me. Especially nice people who I like. I am on opposite sides to them, and I can’t do anything to change it. In truth, even for people that I DON’T like that much, I still get frustrated that they misjudge or even hate me. But – what can you do? People will be who they want to be, and it is not up to me to correct some sort of cosmic injustice.

It is especially hard when I don’t deserve it. It bothers me. But, so many things in the world don’t make sense anyway. So many things are unfair – slavery, war, inequality based on race or gender. Why would my life be the one safe harbor that was not that way? If people hate me, they can go ahead, have fun. There is nothing that I can do to change their minds anyway. I guess the only thing that I can do is live my own best life, be as kind and helpful as possible and take it from there. What people think of me is their own business, and they can keep it that way.

But it isn’t working out that way.

Lately, I feel as though we are under siege from every angle – personal, family, business etc. This is not just me seeing it this way, it just happens that there is a lot of tension around, not necessarily being directed at me, but affecting me greatly.

It is as though I am in a little car, and the other drivers are dangerous – some are drunk, some are chatting on the cell phone, too busy with their own world to see there is a dangerous world of speed and metal out there and some don’t really know how to drive yet. The cars keep slamming into me, and I try to keep a cheerful disposition, focus on my own car getting to safety and not take it personally. But how can I? I am not safe. And as a result, my driving starts to suck. I start to swerve and weave and dent other innocent drivers too.

So – what am I supposed to do? Part of me just wants to put the music on loud and ignore them all. Part of me wants to fight everyone. To be like some sort of police officer arresting all of the bad guys. Another part of me just wants to get off the road altogether, sell my car and start biking everywhere – the roads are too dangerous.

Some spiritual gurus may say that the reason why I am unhappy, is that I am spending too much time trying to protect what I have, rather then appreciating it and being in the moment with it. But, when I get in the moment of it, and am honest with my feelings, all I can feel is “this sucks”! So maybe the key is to be honest about the fact that it sucks, and move on. Appreciate what I have, and who I love and be done with it. The roads are dangerous out there. Hopefully things will get better when the sun goes up, and it stops raining.