One Red Hot Country Mama!

Remember this guy? Well, it seems like some people still think that this is a good way to charm a lady – or at least this is the very mainstream way of viewing dating situations. To constantly chase, be unrelenting, and not take no for an answer. Pepe sees the cat as purely an object instead of as a being like himself.

But, the question is, who was the cat? What was her name? (I don’t remember her having one.) What were her needs and interests? (Pepe’s are clear.) Obviously the attraction was not mutual… so why didn’t they show the cat with her own love interest (making it a triangle or something)… instead of defining her only as one running away from Pepe?

If only Pepe talked to her and got to know her, maybe he would have had more luck… maybe she would have fallen for him… or who knows, maybe she would have ended up chasing him .  Just another reason why it is so much more fun not to be mainstream.

The term "All Good Things Come to an End" has been on my mind lately, probably because of the popular song by Nelly Furtado that has frequent play on the pop station I am listening to nowadays. I think that the expression is true, but it is not complete. Yeah, nothing lasts forever but it doesn’t only apply to "good" things, it applies to all things. Hard times come to an end too. I tried to comfort a friend last night going through a difficult time with "this too shall pass".  Good stuff, bad stuff, it all doesn’t last forever. Buddhist thought (courtesy of Urban Dharma) says this on their concept of impermanence:

According to the teachings of the Buddha, life is comparable to a river. It is a progressive moment, a successive series of different moments, joining  together to give the impression of one continuous flow. It moves from cause to cause, effect to effect, one point to another, one state of existence to another, giving an outward impression that it is one continuous and unified movement, where as in reality it is not. The river of yesterday is not the same as the river of today. The river of this moment is not going to be the same as the river of the next moment. So does life. It changes continuously, becomes something or the other from moment to moment.

But, before we start touting the superiority of Eastern thought over Western thought… think about this. I looked at the origin of the expression and it actually comes from the scripture in the prayer book version of Psalm 119:96. Except, the original was actually "All things come to an end", and the "good" slipped in there over the centuries.

So – I think that we should go back to the original expression, and it would probably make a catchier song too .

Q. Who is Dr. Phil?

A. He is a fat guy giving diet advice!

In my management role at work, I am frequently asked for advice. I am a competent advice-giver there, since I have been in industry long enough and I have had pushed a number of product releases and campaigns to success. So basically I have been in many situations before and I have had wins so people naturally come to me. That makes sense.

But when it comes to relationship advice and me – big mistake – stay away from me! Since in relationships I have about an 80 IQ and frequently screw up. Nevertheless, I keep getting asked, so I give some advice that I read somewhere… or some conventional wisdom. Basically, it is terrible advice and no one should listen to a word of it… it’s kind of like when Britany Spears used to talk about politics.

So – friends, family and well-meaning people everywhere are always giving and receiving relationship advice… but why do we take it? I recently screwed up a great situation I had with a guy through listening to advice. Instead of questioning my advice-giver’s credentials ie. "how is this person in relationships – is she worth listening to?" or "if I follow this advice I will end up being similar to this person, do I want that?" I just followed it and ended up hurting this poor guy and hurting myself!

Marketers are also big advice-writers, where people have a variety of problems, and all solutions point to your product (think about all of those free recipes that involve Jello and Coolwhip in a variety of forms). It is also funny that the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus was read and quoted by even physicians and PhDs I know, but the author John Grey received his PhD through correspondance at a non-accredited University. There is also all kinds of ‘great’ <<sarcastic tone>> advice going around in the blogosphere and news groups.

In business, we have all been in situations where management has made sweeping changes that does not make sense. In defense of the managers, it is really difficult for them to know the inticracies of every role, and a good practice suggested by people like Jim Collins is to work closely with the people actually doing the job to make effective change, instead of strictly working with theories or listening only to what their managers say. It sounds obvious – but in consulting circles obviousness often gets clouded – too much advice!

It gets me thinking, that really all of this advice is not helpful. Like the workers who know their jobs more than anybody else, each person knows themself, and their own situation the best. Because after all, I have lived with myself my whole life, and I have been there for every second of the situation in which I need advice on. Everyone else has an informational disadvantage.

So – really I think there are three main questions to ask when taking advice:

1. Q. Does this person have authority (credentials/track record) to give this advice specifically? A. Think about how your friend’s relationship looks before following her advice!
2. Q. Does this person have a vested interest in me making a decision one way or the other? A. Your boss is telling you to stay in your job forever because it is good for him, not you!
3. Q. Is there a good reason why this person would know better than me? A. Even if they are an expert in their field, they have not been with you your whole life and they have not experienced the nuances of the situation! 

So… that’s my advice .

Most of us have had a fantasy like one of these:

1. I am sitting in the coffee shop reading my book and minding my own business, when suddenly a cute, smart, warm-hearted, guy comes to talk to me – we hit it off and we start dating. He turns out to be a great guy!
2. I am sitting at my desk going about my normal day when suddenly I get called into the group manager’s office. She says "Someone in the corporate head office has seen your campaigns and loves them! They want you to move to the US/Europe/Australia to work your magic!"
3. I open my inbox one morning and get an e-mail from some multi-billionaire saying "Stefanie, I have been reading your blog regularly and would like to give you a lucrative contract for our non-profit foundation, which not only is well-run but is also helping to save the world, what do you think?"

So, I think we all have these fantasies where someone will come out of the blue, and instantly make our lives better… but rarely does that happen. Winning the lottery is probably the most common one… but how are you going to win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket? From my experience, things just don’t happen when I am waiting passively. Technically, things COULD happen while passively sitting in the apartment behind a book, but usually they don’t – or not anything very cool anyway.

Lately, things have been going really well. I have gotten three very exciting professional opportunities and am dating a sweet and hilarious guy who I really like. I also just had a birthday and have been reconnecting with old friends and family members. On all of these fronts, I "bought my ticket" by getting the ball rolling and opening myself up to these possibilities but who knew everything would happen all at once! So – I created this cloud of change instead of waiting for it. I am really interested to see how the next 6 months or so pan out. Hopefully more winning tickets which I’ll strive for, but if not, I am cool with that too.

black widow
Originally uploaded by ®oger.

It’s still really cold out in Toronto – I found this moody picture that depicts how it is when you are so bundled up and walking into the snowy darkness as an anonymous figure. The thick coat covers the form of this woman’s body with the dark and snow to further obstruct recognizability. I’ve been thinking a lot about dipping into the pool of anonymity and how people can pretty much restart their lives in a new form – erasing their past and becoming a new person in the eyes of others. Or – how people, many people I know, can live double or triple lives – showing different faces to everyone.

But… just like this morose scene does not last forever, neither does the cloak of anonymity. The season will change to summer. The winter duds will come off and the days will be longer. Who will she be? vibrant? thougthful? happy? shy? is she a dancer? is she an office worker? Who knows… but eventually the truth comes out – or she’d look rather conspicuous, wearing a thick winter coat and carrying an umbrella in the middle of summer. I believe it is the same with people who try to live double lives – they show their true selves… or their winter coats trying to hide who they really are stand out and look obvious.