There is Nothing Good or Bad; but Thinking Makes it So
This quote from Hamlet reminds me of a few recent situations.
I was at a dinner with a former colleague the other day. We worked together several years ago at a large corporation. A smart and thoughtful man, we had a nice chat and enjoyed talking about the old office politics, people who were fairly treated and not and annoying bosses.
As the conversation progressed, I realized that he was still upset about some of the unfair treatment that went on. He remembered everything that happened vividly as though it were yesterday where for me it was quite fuzzy and distant. I remember being annoyed back at the time that it happened, but I had let it go – and moved on. The fuzziness of it for me somehow soothed the memories. When I rehashed memories about some unfairness that I experienced, I felt annoyed, but the upsettedness passed quickly and was soon replaced with other thoughts. On the other hand, my friend seemed rather distressed about it.
I find the same is true for other people in my life who have not let go of past pain from family members and loved ones. It seems, when someone hurts you, they can hurt you in two ways – right now… and persistently in the future. If you don’t somehow let go and move on… you let the pain that the person put you through persist and persist. They hurt you originally, and they continue to hurt you. That’s just not fair! Forgiving them, and forgiving yourself for putting yourself in that situation are both important early steps. Although I know from experience that sometimes it takes several tries. The thinking of something in the past makes it persist in being bad.
Reminded me of this video by Tony Robbins:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/96
Basically, it gets down to:
1. What are you focusing on in any situation?
2. What is the meaning you’re attaching to it?
3. What are you doing about it/responding?
The fact that we have the ability to focus on any part, and attach any meaning to it means we actually have the CHOICE of how we respond and act – even years later..
Sometimes forgiveness if just to enormous an undertaking to even consider…the dark glasses of hurt and pain block out the light and you cannot see your way to forgiveness. In those cases, the place to start lies in acceptance. “I accept that ________ happened” or “I accept that ______ did this to me”. This stops our energies from being misdirected towards trying to change what happened. Instead our focus can be on our own healing. When we are stronger, and the glasses are off, we can more accurately assess whether we are able to forgive.
You are right Lara – focusing on changing the past can’t get you anywhere – but I think those dark glasses are mighty thick.