Live Your Life Be Free!

I used to work in a place with Lotus Notes, which let us attach little themes to our e-mails – like a thumbs up, confidential, stuff like that. One theme was an envelope with a flame on it. When those were sent, it almost never involved an important business issue. No, those were communicated in person or through a formal e-mail from upper management. A flaming e-mail was always one person with an axe to grind with another, usually about a very petty issue. The angry invectives would then go back and forth until someone stepped in or there was a direct conflict.

I have never seen an angry e-mail exchange result in a greater understanding to between the two parties. I have never seen it become a foundation for compromise.

Instead, it is a relationship ruiner. If you really hate someone, and you want to wreck a current and future relationship with them, get in an e-mail flame-war with them. It works, guaranteed.

I got one of these the other day, and I responded with:

"It seems that we have a disconnect here that can only be dealt with in person. Please call me."

I then left a message with them saying the same thing. Yeah, we are busy. We are tired. But, e-mail is a problematic communcation method in conflict because it is unidirectional (you can’t sense the other person’s responses like you would in person), difficult to determine tone (someone could look angry therefore scary when they are really just upset therefore vulnerable) and they can be written on a whim (there is no wimping out on the way to someone’s office and no throwing out the envelope before it goes in the mail). So – I think it is best just to take the old-fashioned direct route when it comes to conflict… and talk.