Live Your Life Be Free!

I  have the book cover here for Everything Bad is Good for You not because I have read the book yet (but I will since it looks interesting) but because of the picture on the cover. The picture, with a guy with a screen on his head, illustrates exactly what I have been thinking about lately.

It is a simple theory of perception, where everyone sees the world through their own personal TV screens, not through objective reality – especially when it comes to people. What you expect to see and what you  have seen before effect the screen. You can only see your own screen, not reality directly. This phenomenon is apparent even in the field of science, where despite the rigorous scientific method there are still sincere practitioners who have been betrayed by their hopes, fears and ambitions into proposing false theories.

This means when someone criticizes you, they are simply criticizing what is on their screen, not who you actually are. The same goes for when someone compliments you – they are complimenting what they see on their screens. I find that in all relationships, whether it be friendship, professional or romantic, usually one person’s screen differs from the other.

The friendship means more to one person that the other – so on one person’s screen the importance of it is exaggerated, where as on the other’s it may be very faded and distant. Professionally, a boss may see a lot of potential in an employee but meanwhile the employee hates the work and is just doing it to pay the bills. The boss sees the employee following in his footsteps on his screen whereas the employee tries to eclipse her job on her screen with what is most important to her.

It makes a lot of sense to say to people you are in a relationship with "hey, this is what I see on my screen, what do you see on yours?". Of course it is impossible to see someone else’s screen without becoming them, but a description can make sure that you are on the same page. I just did this in my most recent 3-month dating relationship. I saw our interactions one way, he saw them in another. His way was diminished down to a strictly physical relationship where mine wasn’t. I asked him to leave because his perception was insulting to me and now it is over. So in the end we rejected each other because we rejected the versions of the relationship that were on our screens.

Aligning screens would be easier if people were honest all the time, but unfortunately we aren’t. People will lie about what is on their screens for all kinds of reasons, including safety (I find my clerical job putting stamps on envelopes very fulfilling!), fear of hurting others (I think the sexless marriage is just going fine) or because of pleasure (if I say ‘I love you’ will you still let me stay over once a week?) Despite this, it is worthwhile to at least try to be objective rather than being in your own world. After the initial sting, living in reality is much better than living in some fantasy Matrix dream-world or "lala land" as my friend Sylvia calls it.

The trickiest part about the screens is that the more distorted your screen becomes, the more certain you will be that what you see there is accurate. There is no one so sure as someone totally deluded.

*Thanks to Matthew McKay for inspiring these thoughts